Something I teach my own children, and something we’ve said in this series before, is there are really only 2 things you can control in your life: How you prepare and how you respond.
Viktor E. Frankl, the renowned psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, once stated, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” I love how this quote celebrates the significance of the pause, the momentary gap between what happens to us and how we react.
When is the last time someone you live with, someone you teach, someone you are raising, or someone you work with said or did something to you that caused a strong emotional reaction? Depending on what time of the day you are reading this, there’s a good chance it’s already happened to you today at home or at school.
I just learned about The 90 Second Rule and I think it can help us use that pause in between what happens to us and how we react or respond. Since I’ve learned about The 90 Second pause and used it, it’s helped…a lot. I have also shared it with 2 really good friends and my husband Pat. Turns out, this small shift in action has created positive change in all 4 of us at work, home, and out and about in the community.
The 90 Second Rule
Here’s the 90 second rule according to Harvard brain scientist Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor: “When a person has a common reaction to something in their environment, there’s a 90 second chemical process that happens in the body. It’s when we get into fight or flight and a chemical created in our nerve endings, noradrenaline, floods the bloodstream. It will flush through you and flush out of you in about 90 seconds. After that, most of the time, if it’s a typical bout of anger/frustration/annoyance, any remaining emotional response is the person choosing to stay in that emotional loop.”
Here’s the real story from my real life that can help show The 90 Second Rule in action.
Someone was being…difficult…at school. And due to the phenomenon of emotional contagion, this difficult person’s crappy energy and attitude got me all jacked up. Like, I was around said energy and attitude and as science suggests, my body reacted. My face got red, my stomach knotted up – I was TURNT UP and I was about to stay in that emotional loop.
My friend and colleague Carina noticed my turnt-up-ted-ness and asked, “What’s going on?”
I said, “I need 90 seconds. Really and truly. Just give me 90 seconds.”
[scroll down to keep reading]
And bless her heart, she did.
Now…in those 90 seconds, I was still jacked up…AND I had the opportunity to pause…to pause between the annoying thing that person said and my response. I walked away to a quieter spot, took a couple of deep breaths, and reminded myself of Ghandi’s wise words: “I will not let anyone walk around my head with their dirty feet.” I took these 90 seconds to think, “Let him say those things. Let ME focus on what I can contribute to students and teachers.”
The 90 Second Rule in Action
After about 2 minutes goes by Carina calls over, “Suzanne, you OK?”
I said, “Yep. Thank you.”
“You sure?”
“I’m much better. Thank you.”
Really and truly, after those 90 seconds, I got back to my good work. I stopped letting someone else’s dumb comments impact the trajectory of my day.
And that’s our invitation this month – notice when something happens in our life and we feel we could have a big response or get stuck in our own emotional loop.
- Your own kid unexpectedly throws you off track with something they say or do? Pause or 90.
- Coworker says something frustrating and you feel like you need to say something? Give yourself 90 seconds.
- Your partner completes a chore home that isn’t exactly the way you would want it to be done. Shh. For 90 full seconds.
- A student forgets something (even if it’s for the ten millionth time this year?!) Breathe. 90 seconds.
- You see something in your social media feed that causes you anger want to respond in the comments? Slow down. 90 seconds.
This 90 second rule may not work every time, but it’s a go-to strategy we can keep in our back pocket to try. Yes, we are going to get frustrated, annoyed, angry…jacked up and TURNT (ahh!). Inevitably, natural chemicals will flood our nervous system – Psychologists say that’s all a part of the human experience.
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
We can control the way we respond – Let’s not let a 90 second emotion turn into a 3 hour emotional roller coaster and change the trajectory of our day.
Small Shifts, BIG Gifts!
The next time you find yourself having an emotional response at work or at home, try and remember the 90 second rule and give it a try. See if this pause helps you gather your thoughts (and perspective!) so you don’t get caught in that emotional loop.
About Suzanne Dailey
Suzanne Dailey is a proud member of the Teach Better Family! She is an instructional coach in the Central Bucks School District where she has the honor and joy of working with elementary teachers and students in 15 buildings. Suzanne is Nationally Board Certified, a Fellow of the National Writing Project, and has a master’s degree in Reading. She is dedicated to nurturing and developing the whole child and teacher. Suzanne lives in Doylestown, Pennsylvania with her husband and two children.
Check out the Teach Happier Podcast here!
