TL;DR:
- The missing ingredient to strong classroom management is building healthy relationships.
- Building relationships with students takes time. It won’t happen overnight, so be patient.
- Create positive relationships is a whole class effort, but it ultimately starts with you.
The Worst Advice and the Toughest Year
When I was in college I was told by multiple professors in the education department, “If you make it past your third year of teaching, then you know you’re really meant to be a teacher.”
Can you say, “WORST thing to say to anyone going into teaching EVER”?
Well, I was actually in my fourth year of teaching, and I was ready to quit. I clearly had no idea what I was doing because my students weren’t learning. They didn’t like me, and they didn’t like each other. There were fights (both verbal and physical) among my students. I was sending students to the office on a daily basis. If one of my students got suspended, it didn’t surprise me.
I became that teacher. You know, the one who is always calling for an administrator to remove students on the daily? It was embarrassing, for me, being that teacher. No one ever said it, but I felt like I had no business teaching at that school.
And I walked around owning this situation like I bought the dang thing.
I felt like the line in a Lil’ Wayne song. It goes, “They paint me as a villain. I just autograph the artwork.” I was just accepting defeat.
And that was not good for my mental health.
Not. At. All.
When relationships are solid, more is accomplished, the atmosphere is lighter and calmer, and fear diminishes. It's worth the work you put into building those relationships. Click To Tweet“What had gone so wrong…?”
At the end of the year, or perhaps a couple of weeks after the end of year four, I started reflecting. I remember trying to figure out where I went wrong. What had gone so wrong that I had such bad classroom management, trouble getting students to turn in work, fights, arguments, bullying incidents, and parent complaints?
Was there something missing?
What was missing?
Could I find it?
“This is what was missing.”
Now, the only thing that gives a teacher more anxiety than preparing for a new school year is fearing that the new school year will be just as bad as the year before. Year five had to be different.
It actually turned out to be one of the best years I’ve ever had. I have so many memories of that year. In fact, I still remember my students and individual things about each of them.
Did I find the missing ingredient? What was so different about this year?
When year five was over, I reflected, as usual. It dawned on me that I may have found the missing ingredient. I wanted to make sure that I had actually found what would continue to help me be an effective educator, so I started “adding the ingredient” into previous situations from previous years.
Would that situation have been better if I added this ingredient? The answer was starting to become clear. Very clear.
This is what was missing.
“Will you come to my game next?!”
Every year I have taught, I have taught athletes. At the end of my first four years, I could probably count on two hands the number of games I attended. That’s because I only went to the games out of obligation.
Attend one soccer game for the year to say I care about building relationships? Check! And once you attend one out of obligation, you will almost never go to another one.
Just keepin’ it real, yo.
So during year five, I decided I would go to as many soccer games as I could. And not just soccer, but football, volleyball, baseball, birthday parties, religious events. Basically, if I was invited to one game/event, I sort of just planned that I would continue go to more.
The Monday after the first soccer game I attended during year five was lit!
“Mr. C., you went to her soccer game?!”
“Mr. Carbajal, are you going to come to my next soccer game?!”
“Will you come to my game next?!”
Wait, my students actually like me? Okay, then. We are off to a great start.
No More Post-Recess Blues
If you attend an event for a student outside of school due to obligation, you probably won’t go for round two. What I found to be interesting is that if you attend one just because you want to support your students and make their day, you’ll probably attend more. At least I did.
You know, though, once kids see you at a game, they want to play the same sport with you during recess.
So, what would any teacher do who gets asked to play during recess? During year five, I brought my baseball glove and played catch. Then I shot hoops and played 3-on-3. That soccer girl got me to kick the soccer ball around. I got schooled at the tetherball pole.
What did I notice from this? They worked harder for me after recess, even if they were sweaty and stinky.
Who’s Hungry?
One of the coolest experiences during year five was eating with students in the cafeteria.
I bet you will learn just as much, if not more, about your kids in the cafeteria than in any other setting. That’s where the real conversations happen. You know, the deep conversations! Conversations like…
“Mr. C., does your cat eat human food?”
“Mr. C., look how many grapes I can fit in my mouth!”
“What’s your favorite dinosaur, Mr. Carbajal?”
“Do you go to church? I do. I like going.”
During year six I started bringing a Bluetooth speaker and playing music during lunch. It was on then!
“It doesn’t just happen.”
I hope you are seeing a theme. I hope you are getting the big picture. No, it’s not that you need to go to your students’ games, eat lunch with them, and play with them at recess. Those specific things I did were not the secret ingredient.
The secret ingredient is actually simple.
I think that we expect a healthy classroom culture to just happen because we have a cute Pinterest-y classroom, the perfect read-aloud book, the engaging science activity, or whatever. Perhaps we think that healthy relationships will just happen automatically at the beginning of a new year when we do “All About Me” pages. I don’t know what goes on in teachers’ minds, but it doesn’t just happen.
It has to start with someone. And it starts with you, dear teacher. It’s a whole class effort, but ultimately it starts with you.
The Missing Ingredient: Changing My Why
It started with me changing my mindset about why I do the things I do. Starting with sporting events.
I go to games to show my students I care about who they are outside of school. I go to games because I want to, not because I have to. And I go because my support means a lot to them and going will strengthen my relationship with them and their family.
It started with me deciding to eat lunch with kids because it would be enjoyable and better than the teacher’s lounge. I had to change my mindset from kids get to eat lunch with me when they earn it, to hey, do you mind if your weirdo teacher eats lunch with his class of weirdos? (Fourth graders get a kick out of that one!)
I eat lunch with my students because food is a part of others’ cultures and traditions, which is important to students. Because the conversations that take place outside of the classroom are equally important as the ones that take place inside the classroom. Because conversations at the cafeteria table deepen relationships.
I started to see that building relationships with students could happen as we tossed a ball back and forth during recess. (Although I never did learn how to throw a curveball like them…like, at all. )
I play games with my students during recess because playing is just as important as learning. I hang out with my students during recess because sometimes students just need someone to time them as they run across the field. And I play games with my students during recess because playing together helps foster community and positive relationships.
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You’re No Marty McFly
I wish that I could go back to my fourth year and do it differently. There were some students who did have trouble regulating their own behavior, but I wonder what would have happened if I had added the special ingredient.
The special ingredient of building healthy relationships.
But I’m not Marty McFly, and neither are you. I can’t go back and be the teacher they deserved, but I can be the teacher my students need now, especially during a global pandemic. That means eating lunch with students via Google Meet. That means playing a couple of games of Among Us with them once or twice a week. It means we stop to say “hi” to someone’s pet or little sibling when they pop on the screen.
You can still build relationships with your students during a pandemic. You can socially distance and still be as close as ever.
So be the teacher who develops healthy relationships with students and families. It won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight. It’s a process, and that’s fine. Let them develop naturally.
You don’t need to do all the things I did, because those aren’t your kids. Just show them you care about them however you can, as often as you can. Step into their world for a change, because, honestly, some of them won’t care about your world until you care about theirs.
When relationships are solid, more is accomplished, the atmosphere is lighter and calmer, and fear diminishes. It’s worth the work you put into building those relationships.
What are you going to do to cultivate a healthy relationship with your students? It’s your turn. Go!
Provide your students with an opportunity to share their voice and listen to what they have to say. Something as simple as having students describe their weekend in 5 words or less can open up the door for connections and conversations without taking away too much time that would be needed for curriculum. Conversations about the students’ personal lives will provide comfort and community within your classroom. With this comfort of those around them comes the willingness to try new things knowing there are others—both classmates and teachers—who are there for support. The small moments of lending an ear can have a huge impact on building your supportive community. — Brianna Shaner, Teacher and Teach Better Ambassador (@brianna_shaner)
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About Elijah Carbajal
Elijah is a teacher, like his mom, uncle, and grandparents before him. He has been teaching in the state of New Mexico since 2014, currently working in the Albuquerque Public School district. Elijah enjoys blogging about all things educational and listening to podcasts created by his friends in education, some of which he has been honored to be a guest on. Elijah is a National Geographic Certified Educator and the host of The #ShutUpAndTeach Podcast.
He strives to make school a place that students love to be at by creating fun, safe, and engaging experiences and environments for all students. By challenging the norms of what education should look, act, and feel like, Elijah has created exciting opportunities for authentic learning to take place. Outside of the classroom, he can be found with his girlfriend, Tracey, running, listening to or creating music, reading, writing poetry, or relaxing with his cat, Nala.
