TL;DR:
- Different facets of living with OCD are shared, including time management, losing control, and needing to be a perfectionist.
- Kristen shares how living with OCD affects her as an educator.
When we look at other people, we do not know what internal struggles they are facing. There is no telling how people feel just by looking at them. Many don’t realize that for over a decade, I have struggled with my own demons trying to figure out where I fit into this world. I always knew I had OCD but didn’t realize how the term would have negative connotations to it.
I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) at an early age. My mom first noticed it when I was five years old. I would not only rearrange my bedroom by myself, but everything had its spot in my room. Not only that, but I would constantly clean my room and if one thing was out of place, it was cleaned or moved back. However, this didn’t stop anytime soon. My OCD was not just a part of me but became me.
I found myself washing my hands every minute of the day. I hated to have a speck of dirt or grease on my hands. Even after each meal, I would immediately wash my hands to make sure they were clean. But this didn’t stop as a child. It started to become an even more obsessive part of my personal life; soon it became compulsive.
Living with OCD: Time Management
I remember when I went on trips, I had a schedule made for each day. I did not think anything of it; it was just a list of places to go and explore. But when we are late or there is a change in the schedule, I start to worry and tensions start to rise with thought of not being on time. I tend to leave even an hour early just to make sure I am not late to an appointment or meeting.
Living with OCD: Losing Control
My anxiety is at its highest at different moments throughout my life. There is no telling what can set it off or for how long. Moving an object or not making the bed in the morning will not contribute to my anxiety to the point that it’s hard to control my anger. However, there are times that I am unable to control my anger to the point that it becomes physical. I have found myself throwing something or punching a hard surface just to feel the pain leave my mind.
But losing control does not always lead to physical things. I often bite my nails when I am nervous in certain situations. The feeling of focusing on a different coping mechanism attempts to take away nervousness.
Living with OCD: Needing to Be a Perfectionist
I would never consider myself a perfectionist, but there are different types of perfectionism to an OCD person. The perfectionist part of me didn’t come out until I was in my adult years. Even though I would move things to their place, I didn’t see how becoming a perfectionist would add to my anxiety.
As an ELA secondary educator, proofreading assignments takes longer than expected because I feel the need to comment on everything that is incorrect. Even though in my mind, I know to make general comments, I am unable to do so. But it is not only that. Perfectionism is every part of my life from cooking dinner to cleaning the house.
Living with OCD: Thinking of Being Left Out
I am learning to overcome that I am not as good as everyone else. I am the one who is chosen last for games and even the last pick for partners. Even thinking of being left out creates anxiety of losing control in a certain situation.
This type of thinking did not stop. There are times that I still believe I am purposely not part of a group. Deep down I know that isn’t true; but, in my mind, what I believe is right overtakes what is actually right. There is always a need for reassurance to relieve anxiety issues. Unfortunately, there are times that it’s so overwhelming I end up losing friends because of it.
[scroll down to keep reading]
I learned to handle my OCD throughout my life, but I didn’t realize that my OCD would be a large addition to my anxiety.
Part of my OCD is a continuous sense of cleaning, making the bed every morning, and checking all electrical outlets in the house, including checking the oven or curling iron. There are times that I will turn around to go home or call a neighbor to check on the oven or curling iron just to make sure they were not on.
The truth about my OCD is that I was never able to understand my disorder nor was I able to learn how to control it. And to be honest, I still don’t really know to this day. I don’t know why I cannot control certain thoughts in my head or certain behaviors.
What I do know is that I tend to lose people in my life because of my disorder. The hardest part is for people to understand how anxiety due to OCD is difficult to control. I just hope there are more people who would learn about this disorder rather than make a snap judgment over something that I cannot control.
ABOUT KRISTEN KOPPERS
Kristen wrote the book Differentiated Instruction the Teacher Profession as a way to share her ideas of how to use Differentiated Instruction inside the classroom. As an educator, it is important to find innovative ways to meet the needs of her students. Kristen is often on Twitter (@Mrs_Koppers) participating in chats and collaborating with other educators. It’s easy to share DI ideas on Twitter (#DITeaching).
